When a photo says a thousand words

This beautiful photo has been making its way around social media over the past week. When I saw it first I stopped what I was doing straight away. It mesmerized me. I couldn’t really put into words at the time how wonderful it was. I knew I wanted to write a follow on blog to my earlier piece on cesarean birth,

(http://www.positivebirthagency.com/#!Response-to-cesarean-moms-didnt-give-birth-meme/cyh4/5579e38d0cf2205db3a61a17 )

but there is so much I want to write about cesarean birth it is sometimes hard to know where to start and this image drew me in. The photographer, Helen Aller of Helen Carmina Photography has kindly given me permission to use it. I do realize a lot of large publications have gotten her permission to report on the photo and the huge amount of attention it received but I was not looking to write a report on it. I was hoping, as a cesarean and VBAC Mom, to write about the feelings that can lie behind the scenes, behind the camera.

Firstly, a heartfelt thank you to the Mom in the photo for allowing this natural, raw and emotive piece to be made publicly available. When you put yourself out there in the public eye you will find positive reactions and negative reactions and I am thankful to her and Helen for standing behind this photo despite some of the less than supportive reactions it has evoked. It’s not easy to be this vulnerable.

As a childbirth educator I meet women who have all had different experiences and first time Moms hoping for different experiences. I meet women who want an epidural as early as possible, I meet women who want an un-medicated birth, I meet women need a cesarean for various reason – some happy with it and others terrified, and I meet women who have had a cesarean and desperately want to avoid a repeat of that experience.

I also teach VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) workshops and each couple has a different story and different feelings regarding their experiences of cesarean. The bottom line on a cesarean birth is that there is no right or wrong way to feel. An example of the comments were….. “I’ve had a cesarean and it’s not that bad, “what’s the big deal people go through worse?” etc. It baffles me how someone feels they have the right to tell any other person how they should feel about their own experience. We all know the world has become a nastier place then it was many years ago, but that’s not just down to wars, terrorism etc. There is a massive attitude of judgment and complete disregard for other peoples feelings. Compassion and kindness can seem thin on the ground at times when it comes to women’s experiences around birth. If you had a cesarean and found it to be a great experience that is wonderful. But a woman who doesn’t have those same positive recollections isn’t being overly dramatic. Our perceptions of major life events are often dependent on our state of mind, how much support we had, our inner resources for coping with stress and how we were treated. Count yourself lucky instead of assuming that because it was good for you that it is automatically a good experience for all women.

The birth world has also become a different place. Cesareans birth continue to increase and that is not because our ability to give birth has changed, it’s mostly due to the fear based (litigation based) defensive obstetric care. Cesareans can be life saving, there is no doubt about that. I am so grateful that I live in a country where it is readily available to me should my baby or I need it. But sadly the emotional care of women who have had a cesarean birth has not developed at the same rate. In fact they have become so common that they are almost dismissed as the easier option for giving birth. That’s simply not true, it is MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY. And it leaves scars – for many women those scars are emotional.

My cesarean was terrifying. I felt out of control. Almost like I was watching it happen to someone else. It took me a long, long time to recover emotionally. And for me that’s what is so unbelievably amazing about this photo – it’s not just a photo of a physical scar to me, it captures the emotional scarring that can often hide behind visual scar. I remember standing in the hospital shower to afraid to wash the blood away from around the scar area. I was blessed to have a wonderful partner who came in with me and cleaned it. Same thing at home, the idea of touching anywhere near the scare terrified me. It’s like I was afraid it would rip open. When I eventually brought myself to look in the mirror I finally broke down in tears. I wasn’t really afraid of the scar, I was afraid of what it represented. I was ashamed of not having the homebirth I wanted. I felt broken and that scar embodied those feeling at that point. Now, having gone on and had a positive birth experience, I look at the scar much differently. I now look at it as a symbol of strength. I conquered my demons. My scar is a long lasting reminder of that for me.

This beautiful photo, captures more than words. It captured emotion, raw emotion. I was horrified to hear that Facebook removed the image and in doing so remove thousands of comments from women, who just like me, felt a connection with this photo. By removing it, Facebook silenced the voices of women just like me who shared their feelings because of this photo. Women who are just starting their journey to emotional healing. There is nothing pornographic about this photo. It is a baby sleeping on his Mom. Facebook used to remove photos of babies breastfeeding because those photos were being reported as pornographic. I really thought that was a step forward but then removing this? This baby is asleep on his Mom, a Mom who went through a whole lot to get him here safely. Removing it is an insult to this Mom and to all of us. It’s telling her that her scar is something to be hidden away, that we should be shamed into not talking about this important topic, however shame can only continue to grow when there is silence. We need to keep talking in this ‘cover up’ culture.

As I’ve said already some women have a wonderful experience of cesarean births, some even prefer it and with the increase in Gentle Cesareans women are having a more natural and involved experience of cesarean birth. But for those who had a difficult experience of cesarean birth the scars we carry will heal and their meaning will change. This photo embodies those early days. No matter how much I write it will never express what this one image those. My only wish is that women be kinder to each other and validated each others feelings about their birth instead of feeling the need to be harsh on Moms who had a different experience to them. We all feel differently about how we earned our scars but we can all act the same in terms of support.

Thank you Helen for shining a light in this dark corner of modern birth for those other Moms who struggle to appreciate their scars and abilities to recognize their own courage.

Photograph credits to http://www.helencarminaphotography.com/

Author: Lisa Dowling

www.facebook.com/GentleBirthFlorida

Lisa is a GentleBirth Instructor based in Florida. She works with expectant couples to build their emotional reslience through mindfulness, sports psycology, cognitive behaviour theraphy, hypnosis and much more through the GentleBirth program. Lisa's belief is that any birth can be a positive experience as long as Mom feels supported and in control of her care. She believes had she of discovered GentleBirth before her first birth it would of been a very different experience. Lisa's VBAC birth she accredit to the highly acclaimed and innovative GentleBirth program. Although it may not have changed the outcome, Lisa believes that it would of been a different experience emotionally had she of learnt the coping techniques to remain calm no matter what came up on the day. With the new GentleBirth APP launching in September 2015, Lisa is looking forward to working with more amd more couples in preparation for a positive birth.